We are 15 days into 2018 and I am already struggling with how to juggle what I want and being a mom. It also doesn't help that I am due with a second child in three months.
During my first pregnancy, I was a lot more conservative with my choices of just about everything from food to flying. There is definitely some truth to the more kids you have the less you concern yourself over the little things you did during round one--possibly because you no longer have time with one child or more running around the house.
So just a little over two weeks into 2018, I am contemplating life options I would have never done the first time.
First, what the heck do I really want to do with my life? I've been chasing this answer now for a good solid twelve years after I left the Air Force.
Second, I just submitted a resume for a contract flying job that could require international travel in single engine aircraft with a once a month commitment of ten days away from home. I submitted it with the thought I would be passed over. Well, not so much. The company has requested more information and has taken some interest in me. We're not to a possible interview yet, but we are already way farther than I thought would ever happen.
Third, CFI. At six months pregnant, I am considering finishing up my CFI at a flight school, a few states away, offering a ten day intensive course.
At this point, I am really questioning my sanity. Why on earth would I be considering all of this three months out from a newborn? Is now really the right time?
One of the last conversations I remember having with my grandmother before she died of pancreatic cancer was this--
She told me how she should have done more for herself, for her dreams. Instead she pushed everything off so she could be there for family and extended family. Now it's definitely not horrible that she decided to help her loved ones, but we are on this earth to also live our own life. She had dreams and health concerns that always were put on hold for another day. Another day which she tragically ran out of. She warned me of this similar situation as I take after her in many ways including this.
So why did I hit send with that resume? Why am I considering this ten day intensive course? Deep down I felt I needed to do it to force myself out of my comfort zone; maybe a nudge from my grandmother. To stop taking the easy route because of the life I lead as a stay at home mom following a military officer around. (The excuse I use to talk myself out of a lot of opportunities.) I realized as I sat for what seemed like forever with my pointer finger hovering over enter, that I needed more than anything to just hit send. To send a message to myself that I am open to new things and a possible career regardless of the response from the company. I have every right as a human being who is qualified for a job, even if I am pregnant and have a toddler, to apply. And who knows, something might just work out with that company or maybe it will open another door for the job I am really supposed to have. The ten day intensive CFI course will require long days which can be difficult late in a pregnancy, but at this point I truly have no real excuses as to why I shouldn't do it. More paper tigers than real.
One morning recently, I woke up feeling like I was in the movie, "Groundhog Day". And I realized I wasn't happy. This realization started to force me to recognize that maybe I did need change and I needed change to fulfill my dreams so that I can be a better mother and wife. Because lately I've noticed myself pulling away from everyone and it is not quite the healthy place to be.
So have I figured out what I want to do with my life? Nope. But I hope as 2018 progresses, I at least stay open to the opportunities that present themselves regardless of my fear of rejection, failure, or criticism. As my grandmother warned, life is too short to push off dreams and its way too short to allow yourself to crumble at the sight of paper tigers--those fears that many of us conjure up in our heads which in reality are not really tigers nor true reasons to be fearful.
Let 2018 be your year to fly. It's Time to Fly!